


Of Monsters And Vulcan

by jovioli



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, New Vulcan, Post-Nero
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-05 00:35:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12179547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jovioli/pseuds/jovioli
Summary: Jim knows Spock is still struggling with the loss of Vulcan and his mother. He does however not know how to help Spock or approach him about it.





	Of Monsters And Vulcan

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first Spirk fanfiction I wrote and actually finished. It takes place some time after the 2009 movie. Hope you like it, enjoy :)
> 
> Trigger warnings for curse words and attempted suicide.

[1]

Captain's Log Stardate 2259.41

We have successfully escorted a small fleet of transport ships to the New Vulcan colony. Although the mission was uneventful, the crew was very tense, considering the proximity of the planet to the border of the Klingon empire. The only minor incident was a malfunctioning of the gravitation system of one of the transporters which Mr. Scott's team managed to fix in a couple of hours.

We have entered orbit around New Vulcan and a landing party lead by Mr. Spock will beam down shortly to assist with the transfer of the goods. I have sent several of my best officers and will myself stay board the Enterprise. Also, it's fucking hot down there.

Mr. Spock worries me. I can tell that he has not fully recovered from the loss of his home planet and more importantly his mother – but how could you expect him to?  
I hope being on New Vulcan can help him and won't make matters worse. I would not have chosen him for the mission, but he insisted to go and we all know how stubborn Vulcans can be.

In the meantime, research teams will examine the planet further. I will assist Lieutenant Uhura in translating a transmission our sensors picked up tonight at 0300 as well as taking over Mr. Spock's duties in the science department.

Kirk over.

 

Jim finished his entry with a sigh and heaved himself up and out of his chair in order to see the landing party off.

“Chekov,” the young ensign whirled around in his chair, grinning widely. “You have the bridge.” Jim flashed him a smile of his own and it felt at least halfway genuine.

“Aye, Keptin,” he squealed and Jim turned, left the bridge with a general wave of his hand. He desperately needed a coffee, or two, and a doughnut, definitely a doughnut, but he had to get this done first.

He passed several crew members on his way to the transporter room, all of them greeted him cheerfully, nodding their heads or lifting their hands for a high-five. He was one lucky guy to have been assigned what he was sure was the best crew in the entire fleet and he thrived under the responsibility that came with being a captain.

Jim loved his crew and he was aware of how much they relied on his presence. He had earned their trust by always being the first one to throw himself in the line of fire, but he was painfully aware how much the integrity of the entire ship depended on his own strength.

It was a great achievement in itself that right now no one got behind his facade of cheers and smiles, Jim thought.

Deep space would always be scary and he needed his people to feel protected and usually he did not have any problems with being that one person everyone came to and looked for. The one who always had to have the answers.

But right now a different kind of worry gnawed at him and he could not fix it, nor rid himself of it.

“Speak of the devil,” he muttered as Spock appeared at his side, PADD under one arm, the other hanging at his side. His clenched fist matched his expression. Jim knew he would have never admitted it openly, but Spock was stressed out. 

“Captain-“ Spock stopped with his mouth still open when Jim gave him a pointed look. “Jim,” he Spock-sighed.

“I listed and sent you the tasks that remain to be completed. They are sorted by priority. Lieutenant Carter will assist you. I understand that your knowledge of xenobiology is limited so I included-“  
Unable to keep from grinning Jim cut Spock off by placing a hand on his shoulder. He stiffened visibly.

“Spock, you need to relax. It’ll be fine, I’ll get it done. Pinky-promise.” They arrived at the transporter room then, Spock raised an eyebrow at him and the confused look on his face made Jim's heart skip a beat. Goddammit.

“Pinky-promise, Captain? I don’t understand.” And just like that Jim’s exhaustion was wiped away. He laughed as he turned to the rest of the landing party and even then, he couldn’t keep the smile off his face.

Later he would wonder about that. How one person could cause him worry and even sadness as well as make him feel joy and happiness and love. Was this not a contradiction?

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he said then as the transporter room fell silent, all eyes on him. “I trust all of you to do great work down there. I don’t think I need to tell you to be respectful and please keep our cultural differences in mind.” He took a final look at Spock then who was now on the transporter pad next to McCoy, studying the wall behind Jim intently, hands clasped behind his back.

“I'm proud of you, guys.” All of them cheered then except for Spock and Bones, who mumbled grumpily to himself.

“Oh come on, Bones! It’ll be fun!” A PADD was held under his nose, Scotty who needed official permission to conduct the transportation process. He signed it without sparing it a second look. 

“Fun? Fun??? Jim, I’m a doctor not a mule. A doctor who is in the middle of conducting mid-term medical exams. And now you send me…”

Jim turned away, rolling his eyes and signaled Scotty to get going. McCoy’s ranting was lost in space as they vanished bit by bit and that was that. 

Except that Jim was painfully aware of the risk he was taking by sending both of them away. Not because of work, Chapel would manage the medical exams perfectly well and he himself rarely slept anyway which was why he did not mind the extra hours he'd have to take.

He worried that Bones’ sarcastic approach to most things in live, though not evil in nature, could offend the Vulcan people who, after everything that happened, where still raw.

He worried that Spock would constantly be reminded of everything he had lost and be unable to deal with it on a planet full of beings that spent the bigger part of their life suppressing their feelings -controlling/suppressing what was the difference anyway?

Jim had hours and hours of work ahead of him, but all he could think of – and knew he would be thinking of all day long- were his friends down there, out of his reach, more or less alone.

His communicator chirped loudly. God, how he hated that noise.

“Kirk.”

“It’s Uhura, sir. I might have found something.”

 

[2]

It was around 0200 when Uhura and Jim decided to call it a night. They had spent hours trying to decode the transmission, but admittedly they had not gotten far. It was in Standard Klingon, but even translated the message made no sense whatsoever. They had to assume it was an unknown form of military code which merely raised more suspicion. Jim decided to send it around the ship with a request for any linguist who had the time to spare to take a look at it.

It had been a frustrating couple of hours and Jim had had more caffeine than was probably healthy, but Bones wasn’t around, was he? He was glad though. The work had taken up the bigger part of his conscious head space and although Spock never left him he’d been able to push him to the side just a little. Had been that was.

Now, in his bed all by himself, the familiar buzzing of the Enterprise surrounding him, he was very much awake and very much able to think of nothing but Spock. Jim had a double shift ahead of him and Alpha began at 0800 yet his eyes would not stay shut, however hard he willed them to.

The problem was this: Jim had been in love with his first officer for some 4 months. And while he would have worried about Spock either way this made the matter more complicated.

He remembered the moment he realized what had befallen him as if it had happened today.

It had been one of those days. A K class planet, seemingly uninhabited, just a scouting mission. They had beamed down, two guys from security fell instantly. Dead right there, lost, far away from home. Gunshots – later they had told Jim they had been revolvers, relics he only ever knew from stories – boomed one after another, sometimes several deafening shots at once.

Jim himself only barely managed to bark out his commands while trying not to die.

“Phasers to lethal,” he screamed as he threw himself to the ground, grabbing Sulu’s arm and pulling him down as well.

“Fire at-“Blood bubbled out of his mouth before he even perceived the impact of the bullet tearing a hole into his belly.

It had been hours of shooting and dodging before their superior training had won them the fight. Jim had been on the verge of unconsciousness for the bigger part of that and when they had finally managed to establish contact with the Enterprise he’d already given Sulu his commands should he not survive the day.

You are in control until you’re back on the Enterprise.

Find cover.

Save as many as you can.

Leave me behind.

Report to Mr. Spock as soon as possible.

To which Sulu had merely shook his head.  
When it all was done and they had been beamed up, Jim finally sank to his knees, ready to fall over and not get up ever again.  
But before he even started tilting strong arms had wrapped around him, keeping him steady. Spock had been all over him, holding him and saying his name again and again.

When Jim had finally managed to lift his head and look up, Spock had smiled. Just a tiny bit. It was the most precious thing in the entire universe.

Shortly thereafter, he had passed out. Jim remembered nothing of the days that followed.

He knew that Spock had carried him to sickbay. He knew there had not been any other sort of close contact between him and Spock since then. He could only wonder what it had meant.

Yet if there was one thing he was entirely certain of, it would be that Spock was not in love with him. Vulcans falling in love were rare. Vulcans being gay was unheard of. It was illogical.

All this to say that Jim was worried sick and Spock was utterly out of his reach and most likely highly mentally unstable.

Jim could not even begin to fathom what Spock could be going through down there. Surrounded by his people, yet utterly alone.

He slammed his fist against the adjacent wall, hard. And again. The pain numbed him for a bit and finally the exhaustion took over his body.

“Computer,” he said, surprised at how weak his own voice sounded. “Lights to 5%.” He rolled over to his side.

He needed rest. He needed Spock. God, how much he needed Spock.

 

 

[Interlude I ]

Spock was haunted by darkness. Deep and endless darkness. It threatened to swallow him whole.  
While awake it was a subconscious process, an enemy lingering in the back of his mind that was always ready to take over.

But if he was not, be it in mediation or sleep, there was nothing for him to hold onto.

Failure. Stupid. Illogical.

Spock gathered from his calculations that being on New Vulcan had amplified this phenomenon, he perceived it to be 3.72 times as strong. 

Spock had never been taught how to cope with grief and now there was no one left to teach him, was there? No one to help him. Every time he closed his eyes he fell a bit deeper.

Spock knew it was illogical to hope that he would be saved. He was a failure as a Vulcan after all.

 

[3]

Jim did not dream that night. His sleep was restless and he woke up sweating, more than once.

Spock did not sleep that night. He read Scotty’s new publication on warp-transportation. Mid-article he let the PADD clatter to the ground. He curled up and stared at the wall, tears running down his cheeks.

When Jim got up he had slept about two hours in total. Alpha was fine. Beta kicked his ass. He made it through however.

When Spock got up his back hurt and his eyes stung. He had tea for breakfast. He avoided Doctor McCoy and carried on.

 

[4]

Captain’s Log Stardate 2259.46

Our mission on New Vulcan is done. My crewmen will beam up later today, however I will not be able to welcome them aboard personally. The reports will come in shortly, and post-mission briefing will take place at 1930. From what I can gather, everything went as smoothly as possible.

I myself have been taking double-shifts in order to cover for Officer Spock’s duties in our science department. I can gladly report that a majority of the projects he had been working on have been completed as well. I am going to propose a promotion for Lieutenant Carter. She has done the majority of the work astonishingly well. I will consult Spock and then file an official request.

I am quite exhausted and apprehensive of our next mission. Hopefully, there will be a period of rest. We have all deserved it.

Kirk over.

 

Spock was so exhausted he nearly tripped when he stepped off the transporter. He had given up on rest. He had given up.

He was haunted and he wanted to talk to Jim.

Highly illogical, they had told him, even now you turn to the humans. You were never one of us.

Nausea washed over him.

“Spock?” McCoy was waving a hand in front of his face which made it worse. Spock grabbed it. Hard. “Spock, you still there?”

“Still there,” he answered and tried to straighten his back. It hurt so much. Why did it hurt so much?

“Sure you are... Come” McCoy tugged at Spock’s hand which was still holding onto his wrist and started dragging him away.

“Where are we…”

“I’m going to kill you.” With all the strength left in his body he recoiled and McCoy stumbled. He looked up at him sharply and Spock saw pure hatred. He stared at…his friend?

“What?”

“I said I am going to take care of you. Dammit, Spock, you’re more out of it than I thought.” He cursed under his breath and tried to get him going again. Spock could not have moved had he wanted to.

“For God’s sake! Jim’s gonna kill me for this.” He saw the doctor extracting a hypospray from his medical kit.

“No” he tried to protest. His throat ached. Spock needed to stay awake. Jim. Where was he? He needed him.

“...im?” The needle of the hypo pierced his skin and the screams got louder. Their pain and anger began to spread through his veins, trying to fill up every inch of him.

Soon after, he faded away.

 

[5]

Spock was not the only one to get hypo’d out that day. Jim was angry when he woke up, but he knew it had been necessary. On his own he would never have slept, at least they had put him in his own quarters.

“Where is Spock?” he asked after he was done ranting at Bones.

“The goblin’s still in sickbay. I gave him a stronger shot than you. He won’t be up for a while.” Bones shrugged and tossed Jim a shirt.

“You what?” Jim ignored the shirt and started pulling at his own hair. “Explain.”

“Jim. You didn’t see him. For all I know he hasn’t slept at all in the past week. When we got back aboard he was swaying and nauseous. I think he might have even hallucinated. Believe me, he needed it.” Jim’s eyes widened.

“How could this have happened?” He felt sick. Sick that he was right all along. Spock wasn’t okay. He should not have sent him away.

“You know him better than I do, Jim. Maybe he’s just ill?” Bones crossed his arms over his chest.

“Yeah, maybe.” Jim looked around himself. Everywhere but at his friend. “He’s probably fine right? He just gets to immersed in his work, is all. I’m going to shower now and pay him a visit then, okay?”

“Jim, you alright?” Bones took a step closer and Jim backed up immediately. 

“Yeah, sure. C’mon, Bones! I just woke up from a 20 hour nap. Who wouldn’t be a bit disoriented?” He tried to laugh it off and ushered Bones out of the room. What was even happening?

 

[6]

After the official briefings and reports had been dealt with the Enterprise had received new orders from HQ immediately and was ready to leave New Vulcan behind. Jim had requested a private conference with Ambassador Spock some days before, but in the stress of the last days he had forgotten all about it which is why he was rather surprised when he woke up the morning of their departure to find a notice waiting for him.

It instructed him to contact the man as soon as he may find the time and so he did.

“Jim,” Spock said happily the second his face appeared on the screen, his hand was raised in the traditional Vulcan greeting.

“Good morning, ambassador,” Jim answered and returned the gesture.

“You need not be so formal, old friend.” The wrinkles around Spock’s eyes had deepened. He looked much older than when Jim had first met him. He wondered how old exactly the man was.

“Funny that you are the one reminding me, isn’t it?” Spock gave him a warm smile and immediately Jim felt a pang in his chest. A mixture of joy and incredible sadness. How he wished it could be this way with his Spock. Jim would give up much to see him smile again. His expression faltered.

“Has my counterpart still not warmed up to you yet?” Spock asked raising an eyebrow. Of course, the old man could read his every expression. Jim sighed.

“No. Yes – sort of. Sometimes it feels like we could be just like you showed me. And sometimes he is more reclusive than ever. I’m worried, other Spock. Did you talk to him?”  
“I did. And you are right about me, as you always are.” The Vulcan pressed his fingers together and held Jim’s gaze, steady and strong. Jim had only seen a fraction of his memories and he longed for that life. “He is nowhere near emotionally stable. Especially concerning Nero’s attacks. This I am certain of: He needs your help, Jim.”

It only confirmed what Jim had known for a while now. But he felt so useless. He didn’t know how to approach Spock. He wanted to help so badly, but –

“-how?” he pleaded and he broke the eye contact, it was too much. This old man represented everything Jim wanted. And in some other life he had had all of it. But that could not comfort him. That guy wasn’t him.

“You have to figure that out for yourself, Jim. You know him better than I do. He does not open up to me.”

“HE IS YOU.” Another eyebrow raise and Jim regretted raising his voice immediately. “I’m sorry. It’s not your fault or responsibility.” In that moment Jim felt so weak. His arms fell to his side.

“But it is my fault Jim. I am the reason Nero did what he did, yet I cannot ever hope to fix it. I am aware with what I have burdened both of you. But I am begging you, old friend. Help me. Please.”

Spock’s eyes were filled with expectation and hope. And in that moment Jim realized something. The other Jim would have known how. He would have done the right thing.

“I see now that talking to me only makes this matter more complicated. I apologize.” And he had read Jim’s mind all over again.

“Yes. Spock, you know me. But I know neither you nor him and I honestly don’t believe I ever will.” There was no more to say. “Live long and prosper, Spock.” No salute, it was too much.

“Live long and prosper, my t’hy’la. And do forgive me.”

“I already have.” He ended the call and stared at the blank screen and he was still stuck.

Another message popped up then and it reminded him, that it was still a regular work day. He did not even have time to take a shower now, so he just threw on a new shirt. He didn’t care for his hair.

It was when he entered the turbolift that he bumped into his first officer.

“Spock.”

“Captain.” Spock nodded as the lift started moving. “I was not aware you had wanted to cancel our breakfast appointment.” Jim froze. Shit, shit, shit!

“Oh god, Spock.” He slammed the emergency stop and turned to Spock. “I am so, so sorry.” Spock’s expression was completely blank.

“I had a call just now.” It was about you. “And it just kind of messed me up.” Because I am so lost. “So I forgot.” Please, don’t hate me.

It was kind of ironic. In an attempt to figure out what to do about Spock he had completely forgotten about having breakfast with him.

“It is of no consequence,” Spock said. And his eyes seemed warmer now that he regarded Jim. “Did something happen?”

Jim rubbed his own neck. He had to start the lift again. “No don’t worry. It was just the ambassador. Look, Spock. Could we talk sometime later? After Alpha?”

“The ambassador,” Spock had stiffened up again and Jim knew he had lost him. The conversation was over. They arrived at the bridge and the doors slid open. Before Spock could leave however, Jim grabbed his arm.

“I really am sorry,” he mumbled, knowing he had fucked up big time. “I will make it up to you, Spock.” The Vulcan was still for a moment, but then he extracted himself from Jim’s grip.

“Think of it no further,” he said and without looking at Jim again he walked to his station.

 

[7]

Spock went through the motions of his usual tasks, counting the seconds.

1 2 3 4 5, tick.

1 2 3 4 5, tick.

People had called him a robot before because he tried to feel nothing. Yet it was feeling everything at once that truly made him like a machine.

1 2 3 4 5, tick.

He knew Jim knew. He did not want Jim to know. He did not want to be seen like the failure he was.

Spock wondered how much the captain had figured out, but Spock guessed that he had not understood that his life was in danger.

Spock wanted to die. More than anything he wanted it all to end.

Failure, stupid-

1 2 3 4 5, tick.

“Useless. Spock, you are utterly useless.” Spock’s head whipped around.

“What?” he spluttered, holding his own hand tight to keep it from trembling.

“I said: What is our status, Spock?” Jim’s face was a big question mark and his eyes moved over Spock like a scanner, trying to figure him out,

With his own eyes fixed to the metal bars in the floor, Spock gave his status report. He could feel every single person on the bridge watching. He realized that it made him feel even worse.

Now even that’s affecting you? The voices asked. You’re pathetic.

That was it. Spock knew then that the last of his resolve had been torn apart. He would give in.

“If you feel that way just kill yourself,” Jim said, smiling sadly.

“Excuse me?” Tears stabbed at his eyes and threatened him. Crying in public, how shameful.

“Again? If you don’t feel so well, you shouldn’t work. Spock what’s going on?”

So, Spock left.

1 2 3 4 5, what now?

 

[Interlude II ]

Amanda had fallen in love with Vulcan before everything else. I had not been love at first sight and not at second and not at third. But after some time settling in at her new house and her new job, teaching at the Academy, she was convinced that this was her place in the universe.

Amanda was content, or so she had thought.

The loneliness first started to come for her when her dog passed away – he was an earthern creature, it had been foolishness to bring him. And then the talking began.

When she had first started teaching Amanda had been a curiosity and had been treated so well, she’d almost fit in.

When Maia died she was devastated. She had always felt strongly and so she had not been able to refrain from crying in front of her class.

“Illogial.”

“What is she doing?”

“Tears?”

“Human.”

The whispers had followed her home

“My mother says she is intelligent – for an Earth woman.”

“She does not belong here.”

And so Amanda’s paradise had turned itself over and got twisted.

 

When she had first met Sarek he’d still been married and she was aware that she suffered from severe depression. Though somehow it had worked out for them.

 

When she gave birth to her son Spock she first felt that sense of belonging again. Amanda was aware that his heritage would be hard on him, but she would support him with all the love she had to give.

On the day of the birth Amanda’s husband pointed out a shooting star passing through Vulcan’s night sky. She cradled the little baby, held him tight to her chest.  
“Is it not an Earthern custom to “make a wish” if one sees a shooting star?” he had said and almost smiled.

And Amanda made a wish. Protect my little boy. Spock gurgled in her arms. So he may never have to go through anything as bad as what I endured. So he may be happy.

 

[8]

The doors of sickbay squeaked curiously as Jim entered. The room was almost vacant which was always a good sign.

There was one bed to the left, where the patients lay that would be staying longer, which was often occupied. It was Ensign Spearman’s who had a tendency to break a bone or two on away missions. This time it was a leg and Jim felt at least partly responsible for it.

His mouth twitched as he quietly walked over to adjust her blanket which had almost completely fallen to the ground. She was snoring softly.

“They are so fragile,” Jim thought. How as he supposed to protect them? He couldn’t even take care of himself most of the time.

“Jim?” Bones’ voice startled him out of his reverie. He turned away from the ensign to find Bones standing in the door of his office, arms crossed. “Shouldn’t you be captaining?”

Jim crossed the room and hugged his friend tightly. When Bones did not return the gesture he broke away again.

“What the hell, Jim?”

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly, but he could not help grinning.

“Just… come in.” Bones gestured into his office and Jim claimed the big armchair in the corner for himself. The room was a complete mess. All sort of stuff was scattered on the ground and the desk, but it smelt like paper and whiskey and Bones’ aftershave which meant it kind of smelt like home to Jim. The chair creaked slightly as he arranged his legs under himself.

“Alright, what is it?”

“I came by to talk about Spock,” Jim said and looked up at Bones who was still standing in the doorway, eyebrows raised.

“What about him?” Something was off about Bones. Had he interrupted something?

“Well after what you told me about his condition after New Vulcan and then the incident yesterday-“

Bones cut him off.

“What incident?” Had Jim not sent Spock here? Maybe not, but Spock would know it was protocol. You could not just leave your workplace and not check in with your doctor. God fucking dammit.

“Jim. Snap out of it, man? What’s going on? What incident?”

“He was completely out of it, Bones. He just sat there and stared at the ground. When I asked him about our status and after that if he was feeling unwell I had to repeat myself before he understood me. It’s so unlike him, don’t you think? So, I told him to go and rest if he wasn’t feeling to well and he left without another word. His hands were shaking. I had just assumed he would come here and get a checkup. Since he’s not working today either I thought I’d come by and find out what’s up.” Jim closed his mouth and looked at Bones, hoping for some kind of misunderstanding. He could hear the gears in his head grinding from where he sat.

“The same thing happened back then,” Bones said finally. “I talked to him and he was completely apathetic. As if he heard something entirely different.”

“Yes! Exactly.” The chair creaked again as Jim got up. He’d had enough. If Spock wasn’t here he would be in his quarters and Jim meant to fix this right now.

“What do you think it is?” Bones asked “What’s the devil up to?”

“I might have an idea. Thank you, Bones.” Jim patted his shoulders and forced a small smile. The urgency to get to Spock got stronger and he felt the beginning throbs of a headache knocking against his temples.

“I’ll go talk to him.” Puzzlement was written all over Bones’ face, but Jim would have to explain later.

 

[9]

First Officer Spock’s Log Stardate 2259.47

I had to leave the bridge yesterday being unable to work. I have since realized that I have become too emotionally compromised to further carry out my duties.

I hereby lay down my duties as First Officer and Chief Science Officer of the Starship Enterprise.

 

Spock's room was just like Jim remembered it from the few times he had been here for chess games or private post-mission briefings. The air was humid and very warm which was why Spock only had a couple of real books although Jim knew he quite enjoyed them. Spock also had a single framed photograph of his mother which usually stood on a shelf above his bed. Now it lay on the bed, disregarded and dusty.

Jim looked around himself twice, but it was apparent that Spock was neither here nor in his bathroom. He found however a single slip of paper on Spock's desk, next to it a pen, the cap nowhere to be seen. Jim started sweating heavily, his mouth fell open as the humidity suffocated him. He picked the paper up.

“Jim,” it said in exquisite handwriting. No way. He could not read this. 

Jim closed his fist around the paper and let his eyes fall shut. His heart was beating so hard he could feel it in his fingers. Read it a voice in his head screamed at him and banged against his skull. He could not – he had to.

Slowly, carefully he willed his fingers to open up. His hands were shaking.

“Jim” it still said there. He unfolded it, worrying his lower lip.

“I am sorry, Jim. I fail as your first officer and I fail as your friend. You deserve better.” The ink started to smudge as tears dropped down onto the paper. He wiped them off his face angrily. Impossible.

“Please refrain from foolish attempts to save me. Know that it's better this way. Ashau nash-veh tu.”

And some space below that: “Live long and prosper.”

“Well, I don't deserve your love,” Jim muttered to himself. Wait... what? His eyes widened. Attempt to save him. Was there still a chance? How long had the letter sat here, waiting?

The paper, crumpled up once again, fell to the ground as Jim turned towards the computer that rested on top of the desk. Luckily, the Enterprise was built to have all its systems up and running at any given time.

“Computer,” he barked out and slammed his hands flat on the desk, it shuddered under the impact. Jim trusted his gut to tell him if Spock was dead already. He had a feeling he would just know. But it didn't and he had to be sure. The image of Spock, cold and lifeless and all by himself, kept appearing before his inner eye.There was no such thing as a no-win scenario. There just was not. “Computer, start routine gamma.4 on authorization of Kirk, James Tiberius, 4539B.”

It was ironic really, how in trying to do his job and keep his people safe he had to break regulations time and time again. He couldn't ever be captain without Spock at his side. If that was not a sufficient reason, he'd take the punishment.

“Routine gamma.4 activated.” The robotic voice blurted out. “Warning. Locating someone via the system is a heavy violation of privacy regulations. It should only be used as a last-”

“I don't have time for this, dammit.” He punched the computer, but all that did was hurting his hand. The pain helped clear his head a little though.  
“Computer, locate crewmember Spock, 4221A,”

“Location completed. Commander Spock is not aboard the Enterprise.”

Not aboard the Enterprise? It was impossible, right?

He fumbled his communicator out of his belt, almost dropped it in the process. It clicked as he flipped it open.

“Scotty. Can procedure gamma four detect dead crewmembers?”

“Surely, captain. It will detect any person on board. But why-?”

Jim broke him off and made for the door. So, Spock had hacked the system and removed himself. But that did not mean it wasn’t too late already.

As soon as he was standing outside the quarters he realized that he didn't have the first idea what to do. Reversing whatever changes Spock had made to the system would be nearly impossible and if it were it would take forever.

Searching for Spock was impossible too. The ship was gigantic. Should he raise the alarm? What were the protocols for such a situation? For once Jim had no idea what to do.

“Sir, do you need help?” He started and looked up to see yeoman Rand standing some way down the hall, Her hair was impeccable as always, but she held her PADD tightly to his chest. Usually, Jim loved to compliment her on her looks, it always drew such a sweet smile from her lips, but somehow she looked pretty disturbed. He realized just then that he probably looked like a lunatic, sweating and panting, hands clenched into fists at his side and cheeks streaked with tears.

He took a deep breath and tried to smile.

“Janice. You wouldn't happen to have seen Mr. Spock somewhere?”

“I have actually. It may have been about an hour ago. I think he was heading towards the docking stations. I'd wondered what he would want down there.” 

The fucking air docks. Oh, Spock, of all the ways to die you choose that one. Being sucked into space, freezing to death, suffocating, all at once. Oh no. 

“Thank you, Janice. You may have saved a life.” His voice broke and he started crying again as he pried the PADD out of her hands. She stretched out her arm as if to touch him.

“Are you okay, sir?” Of course not.

“Computer,” he said and ignored the confused look Rand was giving him. “Seal all air docks permanently. Now.”

With that, Jim thrust the PADD back into Rand's hands and started running. He needed Spock. More importantly, Spock needed him.

 

[10]

Spock stared through the door into open space. There was nothing out there and he was glad for it. Everything was prepared, he just needed to give the command. It was time. He knew Jim wasn't coming.

Come on do it, they said and he heard their laughter mocking him.

“Open,” he commanded, closed his eyes and took his last breath.

 

[11]

It was air dock 2. He could only see Spock through a tiny glass panel, but he was there, he was alive. He was alive.

Jim couldn't stifle a sob as he manually overrode the lock Spock had set on the door. He stepped into the room and closed the door behind him, wiping his sleeves across his face.

From the outside, Spock looked as composed as ever, standing upright with his hands clasped behind his back. Jim could only guess at the storm that was raging inside him. He cleared his throat and suddenly felt very awkward.

Did he know this beautiful lost creature at all?

“Jim?” Barely a whisper. Oh dear, he sounded so broken.

It took Jim three seconds to reach Spock. Three seconds before he held him in his arms, head cradled to his chest. Three seconds and he could finally release that breath he'd been holding in for far too long.

“Thank god you're okay.” His voice was barely a whisper and he tightened his grip around Spock. He had never felt relief quite like this. Nothing surpassed holding Spock in that moment, feeling his warm breath against his neck. “You're alive.”

And then he was crying again because he had almost lost Spock, beautiful brilliant Spock who never failed him and in return Jim had failed him in the worst way possible.

Spock, who was still not moving at all and suddenly Jim wasn't even sure he had said his name in the first place.  
He took a step back to look at him, keeping his hands on Spock's shoulders.

Spock's expression was nothing. His eyes were dead.

“Spock-”

“Why?”

“Why? Fuck, Spock, I am so terribly sorry.” He sniffed. “I am possibly the worst friend ever. Not to mention what kind of a captain that makes me.” Spock opened his mouth, but Jim silenced him with a stern look. He knew he needed to get this right because even now, he could feel Spock slipping away.

“I knew something was wrong, but I never assumed it was this bad. If I'd known...” This was harder than he thought. Spock had almost killed himself. He would have given anything for someone to tell him what he should say. Spock's face still blank.

“You want to know why I came? Why I stopped you? Because I love you. And I never ever could do this without you, Spock, I need you. And I know I cannot fix this, at least not right now. I just hope you will let me try. I can't force you not to... not to uh kill yourself. But please, let me try to be the friend or whatever it is you need that I could not be because I was too much of an idiot.”

“You love me? I don't understand.” Later Jim wouldn't remember why exactly he had kissed Spock then, but it had been the right thing to do.

Spock's lips were hot and dry and nothing like Jim had dreamed. It was a desperate kiss, but at least Spock was reacting now, kissing back, biting even. It was a kiss that tasted of blood and salt. There was nothing beautiful about it and Jim loved every second.

When he couldn't breathe anymore he kept on kissing Spock and when they broke apart Spock's eyes were red from crying, but there was life in them. The tips of his ears glowed green. Jim thought me might burst.

“I almost lost you.” He cupped Spock's face in his hands, the skin was soft and warm under his fingertips. “I love you so much and you are so beautiful and I almost lost you.”

Spock's eyes widened. He opened his mouth, closed it again.

“Will you give us a chance?” Had he said too much?

“Affirmative.” Jim knew that it wasn't at lot. They could not promise each other a forever, but at least they could have a tomorrow.

When Jim kissed Spock again it was everything he had ever dreamed of. He held Spock in his arms and he kissed him, slowly, softly, telling him everything he had meant to say, but couldn't, and finally Spock wrapped his arms around Jim as well and kissed him back. 

Every time he kissed Spock after that he reminded himself what a marvelous gift it was that Spock was still with him.

 

[later]

Spock woke up, breathing heavily. Instinctively he knew it was around 0400. He had slept for at least 4 hours which was a major improvement. Nightmares where still plentiful, but now he had a way of dealing with them. 

“Jim?” he whispered, knowing it would wake him up. He hated disturbing Jim's sleep after working so hard every day, but right now he needed him.

“What is it, love?” Jim rubbed his eyes as he turned towards Spock and pulled him into a close embrace. Spock relaxed immediately into the warmth of Jim's body. He needed the touch so badly.

“Nightmares again?” Spock nodded and closed his eyes.

“Yes,” he said and he was not ashamed. He knew now that it was not weakness that did this to him, but sickness. It was not his fault.

He felt Jim kiss his head softly.

“Want me to sing you to sleep?” It was something they had found out a while back. Singing greatly calmed Spock's mind and even now Jim's voice lulled him back to sleep in no time at all.

He slept dreamless for the rest of the night and as their artificial sun rose he woke up with Jim sprawled all over him and he smiled as he woke him with a kiss.

“Thank you, ashayam.” Jim grinned brightly at him.

“Of course, my love.”


End file.
